Evan’s Life (only interesting from time to time)

This is it. I’ve given in. No more hope wanting. I am sick and god damn tired of wanting and wanting, when what I want is right there out of reach. I’ve been observing things for the past week, and I can tell where it will all end up if I continue with my current chain of thoughts. Everyone else will be happy with their loved ones. And I will be left out in the cold, all alone, again. I’ve seen it too many times to not see it coming a mile away now. I am abandoning my hopes, my dreams. Gone is my vision of happiness with loneliness a distant memory.emptinessis all that’s left. But that’s another side I can never show, no one can ever see exactly how hollow I am. Kind of like the lyrics to the disturbed song Remember: “To hide behind, the mask this time, and try, to believe”. I have to pretend I’m fine, and that I’m not as empty as I am. All that I desire must now be forgotten. Her. The lies, the deceit. The jealousy. I won’t ever matter, no one will, not to her. The secrets I will never know, that way I can almost sense her thoughts. If anyones ever thought I communicate through the music I play, they’re correct. That’s how I express my self, when my own words fail me. It’s ironic because as far as I can tell she’s as empty as I am. She hides it well but I can see it. The way I see it we have two choices: allow ourselves to feel and let the pain in with any happiness, or shut ourselves off from the world, disconnect ourselves from those around us. I now choose to sever my ties with my emotions. I’d rather be numb, because for every one part happiness I feel, I feel two parts pain. Never again will I want, hope, love, desire, or chase down the someone to try and fill the void that’s like a huge hole in me.

P.S. This is for A.S., some candlebox lyrics that represent my feelings: yes I lie for you as I die for you, pain in my heart it is real, and Im takin everything as it comes my way, feeling my heart is for you. And I’ll tell you now how I feel inside, feeling my heart is for you. Yes I cry for you as I die for you, FUCK YOU!, its for you.”

Well I got off work about and hour ago. I worked with andrea tonight so work was great. I’ve got a new favorite song, “want you bad” by The Offspring. You should check it out. I’m really connecting with it right now. I want certain someone really, REALLY bad. It annoys me like hell cuz I have no control over where things go, I can only watch things go one way or the other. And which way it goes affects me, that’s why it pisses me off. I mean, I can affect the outcome of the situation, but only through action and speech. But I’m not gonna do anything drastic cuz I really don’t want to fuck things up now. I’m not gonna just come out and say what I feel, but I’m not gonna lie either. If she asks me, I’ll tell her the truth, but otherwise I’m not revealing jackshit. If she were to read this, she would know exactly who she is.(And I will probably eventually tell her about this blog, so she will.) Anyone else except my close friends will have no clue, so its all good. I’m mad at myself too, cuz despite my best efforts, I’ve allowed myself to get my hopes up. If there’s one thing I’ve learned its that when you get your hopes up, your bound to get crushed. No expectations, no heartbreaking letdowns. I learned that the hard way with ariel. Its gettin late so I’ll elaborate on ariel another time. Gnite.

So yea, I’m at work the morning after our nice little camp out. I slept in the back of joes car. Bad idea. I don’t think my legs were straight the entire night. I’m fucking lucky I’m not sore as hell. Well it looks like my cars getting fixed for 450. And its gonna have a “mopar” clutch in it, because its getting fixed at a dealer. I drive a Dodge Neon by the way. Well I gotta go, more later.

Well I’m chillin at work, on break. I really don’t like this place much. It has its moments but it sux most of the time. Tonight is joes bday party and we were going camping but his gfs parents are being homo so he might not even go bcuz she can’t. My car is still immobile, and I’m still pretty much broke. My fucking employer didn’t move the money in his accounts fast enough and so my paycheck bounced. Last night we started a fire with part of a couch and a box of papers at sams house. His dad aunt and uncle helped us, and it was fucking hilarious because they were drunk as hell. And we almost caught sams house on fire. All in all a pretty good night. So far the people going camping are me,james,ryane,ariel,ariels friend, kyle, tyler, blake and sam, maybe. We’ve decided were going whether or not joe can go. But its gonna be kinda lame considering we planned it for joes bday. More later.

So, on the way home on the bus. I have a car but unfortunately it decided to be gay and the clutch went out.. I am

Well anyways, I’m writing this sitting next to a campfire on my friends uncles property. He ended up coming without his gf, considering we were doing this for his bday. Its been a pretty cool night, kyle, tyler, jordan, ben, and james, joe, and ryane showed up. Just on a whim I texted andrea to see if she wanted to come and she did. We lit off fireworks and chilled. We even talked about stuff, had a lovely and meaningful conversation about drugs, music, all the most important stuff. Joe decided to be a dumbass and invite andrea to sleep in the tent with me. I almost slapped him! After that I might as well have just asked her if she wanted to fuck. Its now just me joe, james, and ryane. We just chillin around the fire. Well I’ll add some more at work tommorrow. Night.

Welcome to Freeblogit.com. This is my first post of the blog. I opened this as a kind of public diary I guess. Since this is public obviously I won’t be sharing everything since anyone I talk about can read this. My name is Evan I’m 17 and I’m a junior at the Harbor Alternative School in Altoona, Iowa. Anyways monday night I got Andrea to buy me a pint of tequila. I was like fuckin sweet. I haven’t had a chance to drink anything in years. Speaking of Andrea, it’s so weird. I’ve been working at the Pleasant Hill Mcdonalds for almost two years. Just a few months ago though, Andrea started working there. A little background info. My sister is 3 years older than me, and when she was in junior high she and Andrea were best friends. Ill admit that back then I thought she was cute and had a little crush on her, but who would guess a set of random circumstances would have us working together 7 years later? And the funny thing is I’pve talked to her and we both pretty much grew up the same way. I like her I guess, ill admit that. I will also admit that I want her bad, but that’s a one in a long list of wants that I can’t have, and ill have to just deal with it. She’s only 19, she’s not THAT much older than me, right? I’m dreamin I guess. But besides that she is really cool and fun to be around. There is a lot of fucked up shit to talk about, but I don’t have the time right now, and it would take hours to write it all. So ill delve into the shit in my next entry. Till then peace out