Facade
Why does this always happen to me? Or is it that I do it to myself? I can only hope for the best, for everything to turn out the way I want it to. I could bask in her light. I could only ever dream of being with someone as dedicated to their beliefs and grounded in their own strength as her. Perhaps my analysis is wrong? Every photo of hers I look at pains me. They remind me of just how much I am NOT part of her life. And every time I see one, the little voice in my head telling me to push away, to let her go, gets stronger. But I can’t let go, not now when I’ve held on for so long. I even marvel at her simplicity. Not to say she is unintelligent, on the contrary she is very bright. But she views the world simply, in black and white almost. Whereas I am constantly analyzing, looking for deeper meanings, and hidden truths. All this posturing gets me nowhere though. Gets me no closer to everything I desire. She could not possibly figure out why I would go to so much trouble, so much deep thought, just over her. But if she’d lived the life I’ve lived, she would know. The hollowness. The feeling of not having your own personality. Of being a chameleon, blending in because the truth is I have no colors, no true self. That is what I am, an amalgam of quirks and traits I have collected over the years, and used to build what I am now. A lie. I don’t know what I believe, or who I really am. I’m afraid that I don’t have enough time in this life to discover me. That is why I believe I’m drawn to her. Because she is so whole and so purely herself, that she balances my imperfection. The positive to my negative. At one point I believed I could fulfill her, make her whole. I see now that that is not truly what would come of us. She would fulfill me, make me as real as I possibly could be. I don’t want to say she is my only hope, I still have one of the only real parts of me, my inner strength to see me through. But will it be enough? I could plead her, beg her to not let me drown. And I would die a thousand times over, to look in her beautiful blue eyes and see the same passion there, that must surely burn in mine.
Tags: me