Evan’s Life (only interesting from time to time)

Why does this always happen to me? Or is it that I do it to myself? I can only hope for the best, for everything to turn out the way I want it to. I could bask in her light. I could only ever dream of being with someone as dedicated to their beliefs and grounded in their own strength as her. Perhaps my analysis is wrong? Every photo of hers I look at pains me. They remind me of just how much I am NOT part of her life. And every time I see one, the little voice in my head telling me to push away, to let her go, gets stronger. But I can’t let go, not now when I’ve held on for so long. I even marvel at her simplicity. Not to say she is unintelligent, on the contrary she is very bright. But she views the world simply, in black and white almost. Whereas I am constantly analyzing, looking for deeper meanings, and hidden truths. All this posturing gets me nowhere though. Gets me no closer to everything I desire. She could not possibly figure out why I would go to so much trouble, so much deep thought, just over her. But if she’d lived the life I’ve lived, she would know. The hollowness. The feeling of not having your own personality. Of being a chameleon, blending in because the truth is I have no colors, no true self. That is what I am, an amalgam of quirks and traits I have collected over the years, and used to build what I am now. A lie. I don’t know what I believe, or who I really am. I’m afraid that I don’t have enough time in this life to discover me. That is why I believe I’m drawn to her. Because she is so whole and so purely herself, that she balances my imperfection. The positive to my negative. At one point I believed I could fulfill her, make her whole. I see now that that is not truly what would come of us. She would fulfill me, make me as real as I possibly could be. I don’t want to say she is my only hope, I still have one of the only real parts of me, my inner strength to see me through. But will it be enough? I could plead her, beg her to not let me drown. And I would die a thousand times over, to look in her beautiful blue eyes and see the same passion there, that must surely burn in mine.

I’ve hit a low point again, for the thousandth time in the past few months. I was lying in bed, just thinking about andrea. What her profile said. Single and looking… Well I’m in front of her face, but I’m not fucking worthy, I’m not old enough or some bullshit excuse like that. Third strike in a row. Third that I’ve fallen for, only to end up as a friend yearning for so much more. The Hinder song How Long is coming to mind. They’re always sorry, always regretful that you’re just not goddamned good enough for them. I’m good enough to be your friend, for you to share your secrets with, but a relationship? Forget about it! I just think about it and tears well up. I used to chalk up my zero romantic appeal to my obesity, but I’ve pretty much eliminated that factor. My self esteem is at negative 5 right now. I’m struggling with the question “Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? Or does everyone else just FUCKING SUCK?”. Let’s be friends. Let’s fuck off and burn in hell. Did I ever say I wanted to be your friend? I said earlier I’d rather have andrea in my life than not at all. I’m starting to think that was folly. Its going for me like it always does, my desire growing with each passing day, while in her mind I’m in some distant corner, insignificant and unworthy of consideration for top honors, while I’m drowning in a sea of despair, knowing like I do right now, that I’ll ever be is a friend, and seeing that nothing is going to change for me, no matter who it is, I’ll always be the friend, and I’m forever the unloved, discarded one. Familial love can only get you so far emotionally, unconditional love doesn’t seem as fulfilling seeing as you don’t earn it. Third strike for me. This isn’t me on an emotional rant, its me on a rational, emotion driven chain of thought. Andrea has shown me once and for all, I’m an “emo” and I always will be, so long as the ones I care most about cast me aside like I’m worthless, unhuman. I fear this whole terrible experience is just embittering me, I already feel more callous, less caring about other peoples shit. Why should I give a fuck about anyone else? I’m not wasting my precious time on other people anymore. I’ve loved. And everytime its brought me nothing but pain. So why do I keep coming back for more? Am I seeking fulfillment in someone else? Or am I a glutton for punishment? Either way Icant make any of the 3 see that I am an estimable person, someone worth loving and being loved by so FUCK them. I’m sick of crying over lost dreams.

Aint Love Grand- its so hard, to see when your eyes are rollin’, in the back of your head/ its even harder to speak, when everything you say, just comes out wrong

So, I’ve finally got a plan to get coser to her. I told her I wanted to get high with her sometime. She doesn’t say no, just that shell be out of the country for a wedding till july 7th. Coincidentally, matts supplier gets back from vacation around that time.coincidence? I don’t really believe in fate, but I don’t believe in random coincidences either. I was never into drugs but if that’s what it takes to get close to her, ill smoke a thousand blunts, its worth it to me. Short of sacrificing life and limb, I’d do anything to be with her. She might think I just want to get laid( its at toward the top of my list, to be honest). But I want more than just that, which is more than most of the guys she’s known can probably say. I want her. I can’t get any more detailed than that. I want her, in any and all ways I can have her, that’s all I truly want, and quickly its becoming the only thing that matters.

A song about love/hate fittingly, by Candlebox-You-” I will never know, I will never care, I will never butt in my people, I’ll tell you what I say, I will never lie, I will never try, I will never cry for you people, I push you, push away, as you lonely people, keep on running, round my door, yes you lonely people, keep on begging, beg for more: yes I cry for you, yes I die you, pain in my heart it real, and I’ll tell you now how I feel inside, feeling my heart is for you. I will never try, I will never die, I will never push for you people, I tell you how I feel, I will never lie, I will never cry, I will never try for you people, I tell you, yes its real, yes you lonely people, keep on passing, time away, yes you lonely people keep on passing, pass away: I try for you as I die for you, pain in my heart is for you, I’ll tell you now how I feel, and I lie for you as I die for you, feeling my heart is for you, and I’m takin everything as it comes my way, pushing your pain round my door, yes I lie for you as I die for you, is this blood on my hands all for you?. You shiver in shadow, recovers your mother, you feel it, take control, feel alive in your soul. Come around town, steal another dime, do another line, won’t you feel the blank you just soar, out of mind. Come around town steal another dime, do another crime, won’t get higher and higher, all through time. Come around town, steal another dime, don’t you push your drugs in my face, as I’m feeling, feeling fine. Don’t you push your drugs in my face or I’ll put you in your place, fuck you! I don’t wan it no more.

Excerpt from Vermilion Pt. 2-” She is everything to me, the unrequited dream, the song that no one sings, the unattainable, she’s a myth that I have to believe in, all I need to make it real is one more reason.”

Chorus from “Always” by Blink 182-”let me touch you, feel you, hold you, always. Come on let me kiss you, taste you, all mine, always.”

I’m feeling kind of love songish, in case you haven’t read, like my entire blog!

I’m back, because even though we’re still talking after she left, I still can’t shake this feeling that I was just a loose end for her to tie up, so she doesn’t feel guilty. Or maybe I’m a needy little bitch. But really if your friends with somebody don’t you usually talk to them at least once a week? Whatever. I’m gonna start posting lyrics to songs that represent my feelings. Starting in 5 minutes with my next post.

Well just when things were looking up for me again my world got turned upside down. Andrea wasn’t planning on leaving till the end of summer, but she was offered a position and she took it. So tommorrow’s her last day, and I’m feeling lower and lower by the fucking minute. We had this running joke about me not caring, but it wasn’t accurate, I do care about her. I had plans in the works, but all those plans required time measured in weeks and months, and now our time left has suddenly dwindles to hours. Its coming down to the wire, and I have to decide if I will pussy out, and let her walk away, or step up and try for what I really want. And that is whatever she will give me. Frienship. Something more. Anything. I’m desperate now, clinging to my hopes. I don’t want to lose her, because somehow I’ve allowed my world to start revolvingaround her. And imagine if the sun just disappeared, how devastating that would be. What I want now is whatever part of her she will give me. There’s really so much I don’t know about her, but I feel like I can see right through all her charades. Like I can see the caring, kind person she really is. I wouldn’t ever ask her to change herself, I love who she is now, and she’s unique. All her vice doesn’t bother me, because all the sex and drugs is just superficial bullshit. She’s so much more than meets the eye. And I’m gonna miss her so much. That’s all I’ve got to say, and now I can sleep with all that emotion off my chest. Goodnight.

Remember when I said I wouldn’t post anymore bout’ Andrea? Well take a look at the title of the post. Despite my best efforts. I’ve allowed myself to have feelings for her, and grow attached to her. Add that to my almost desperate wanting of her, and you have a complicated and delicate situation. She knows it too, she pretty much has to. Matt made a nice little comment about everyone in the store wanting her, and I was standing next to her, and I was like yea, I guess I’m not gonna fucking lie about it, it’s true. She metaphorically stuck her fingers in her ears and went”la-la-la-la-la”. So its looking like she’s gonna leave it alone. Which means its up to me to make anything happen, and I’m not good with this stuff, which puts me in a bad postition. I guess I have to figure out how much I like her and want her, and decide if its worth the potential embarrassment and humiliation. My initial response is yes, but I have an overwhelming fight or flight reaction. I guess the first thing I need to do, is get it through her head that I’m not a fucking kid, cuz I can tell she still doesn’t view me as an ACTUAL equal. I mean, who would consider getting involved with someone they viewed as beneath them? Only a stupid person, and she’s not stupid. And now I can’t stop thinking about Lindsey, my long lost love. She might not even be alive, because the last time I spent any time with her she was fresh off a suicide attempt. God I miss her, and love her. We just had that perfect chemistry, like I remember how easy it was for me to make her smile and laugh. I still remeber the day we watched a movie on suicides, and she was sitting next to me. She just slowly laid her head on mine, and we just sat there watching it, pretty much cuddling. God I was in love with her. If I could do one thing, it would be to go back and slap the shit out of my chickenshit former self, because that kind of love was worth fighting for, and in the face of rejection and humiliation I surrendered and ran. That’s the biggest regret I have in my life. I could have her in my life now, that special girl in my life, my love. But I don’t, and I have no one now, and no one to blame for it but myself.

That last post was a bit melodramatic, but its how I felt. She was a total bitch tonight. I can’t stop wanting her. I don’t trust her, though. She lies about stupid, yet somewhat important things. And I can tell she still thinks of me as a little kid. The way she talks to me, the things she says. There’s no way to prove my worthiness. So fuck her. Nothing can ever be simple, can it? I’ll just carry on, wising I meant something, to ANYBODY. God I want her. I can’t even tell any definite reason. She’s beautiful of course. But not the kind of beautiful where I get turned if I look at her too long. Not saying she couldn’t turn me on fairly easily. I guess it’s that she’s experienced, at everything. She knows what she’s doing, even thought she’s only 2 years older than me. For some guys that’s a turn off. Not for me. Experience is something attractive to me, even though it shouldn’t be considering my lack of it. Look at me, going on about her like some obsessed little kid. This is the last you’ll hear about her unlesss something major happens, like my fantasies being fulfilled. But don’t count on that. I can’t get my head around her, so I’m gonna stop trying. Goodnight.